Jan Jack - Comedic Verse & Stand-up 


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Thank you for visiting my poetry page...I hope you enjoy reading some of my work, however if you are easily offended please tootle off and make a cup of tea instead.

I wish I had a Willie

I wish I had a willie;
it really isn’t fair!
I’d love to have a willie;
Just one, don’t need a pair.

When time to do the housework,
Then out the thing would flop,
I’d drag it round the kitchen floor,
And use it as a mop.

I’d pop it on the worktop,
and watch it weave and bend,
I could pick up all my cake crumbs,
If I used the sticky end.

I’d shove it up the curtains,
And clean my dusty pelmet,
At night I’d sit there quietly,
Picking cobwebs out my helmet

I wouldn’t need a steam iron,
To get creases out my shirt,
Out would come my willie,
For one brief, but well aimed squirt.

I’d use it as a rolling pin,
And on my baking days,
My tarts would all be sticky,
With a touch of fromage frais.

And every apple pie I made,
Would come with double cream,
But I haven’t got a willie,
So all I can do is dream.

Just a Thong at Twilight

Someone has stolen my tummy,
They’ve taken the old one and fled,
I had such a slim waist, but its now been replaced,
And I’ve got Pavarotti’s instead.

I don’t know what’s wrong with my bottom,
For which I was once well renowned,
I’m totally baffled; needs ropes and a scaffold,
To heave it back up from the ground.

It seems that I’m now growing whiskers,
A moustache, quite luxuriant and rich,
It’s curly and rough; it now matches my muff,
And it’s hard to tell which end is which.

I’ve just bought a nice sexy garment,
A thong, to attract all the men,
But it’s whizzed up my crack; now I can’t get it back,
Might be weeks ‘fore I see that again.

If you've enjoyed this poem why not go to my home page and check out my book, Muffs Chuffs and Nonsense.

Muffs chuffs & nonsense by Jan Jack
More poems:

Kitchen Capers

I’m really not good in my kitchen,
There’s a sticky charred mess on my hob,
I’ve just found two flies in my Chocolate Surprise,
And I can’t keep my corn on its cob.

more ...

Memories

Its true what they say, yes, I’ve married quite well
But in years gone by I’ve been heck of a girl
I’ve had sex in a Vauxhall, sex in a Hearse,
Once going forwards and twice in reverse.

more ...

Naughty Poetry

Bespoke / Corporate Poetry

General Poetry

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Last updated: 09 November 2008 - site created by IT Business Options
All material Copyright Jan Jack
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