Thank you for visiting my poetry page...I hope you enjoy reading some of my work, however if you are easily offended please tootle off and make a cup of tea instead.
I wish I had a Willie
I wish I had a willie;it really isn’t fair!
I’d love to have a willie;
Just one, don’t need a pair.
When time to do the housework,
Then out the thing would flop,
I’d drag it round the kitchen floor,
And use it as a mop.
I’d pop it on the worktop,
and watch it weave and bend,
I could pick up all my cake crumbs,
If I used the sticky end.
I’d shove it up the curtains,
And clean my dusty pelmet,
At night I’d sit there quietly,
Picking cobwebs out my helmet
I wouldn’t need a steam iron,
To get creases out my shirt,
Out would come my willie,
For one brief, but well aimed squirt.
I’d use it as a rolling pin,
And on my baking days,
My tarts would all be sticky,
With a touch of fromage frais.
And every apple pie I made,
Would come with double cream,
But I haven’t got a willie,
So all I can do is dream.
Just a Thong at Twilight
Someone has stolen my tummy,They’ve taken the old one and fled,
I had such a slim waist, but its now been replaced,
And I’ve got Pavarotti’s instead.
I don’t know what’s wrong with my bottom,
For which I was once well renowned,
I’m totally baffled; needs ropes and a scaffold,
To heave it back up from the ground.
It seems that I’m now growing whiskers,
A moustache, quite luxuriant and rich,
It’s curly and rough; it now matches my muff,
And it’s hard to tell which end is which.
I’ve just bought a nice sexy garment,
A thong, to attract all the men,
But it’s whizzed up my crack; now I can’t get it back,
Might be weeks ‘fore I see that again.
If you've enjoyed this poem why not go to my home page and check out my book, Muffs Chuffs and Nonsense.
Kitchen Capers
I’m really not good in my kitchen,
There’s a sticky charred mess on my hob,
I’ve just found two flies in my Chocolate Surprise,
And I can’t keep my corn on its cob.
Memories
Its true what they say, yes, I’ve married quite well
But in years gone by I’ve been heck of a girl
I’ve had sex in a Vauxhall, sex in a Hearse,
Once going forwards and twice in reverse.
Naughty Poetry
- Valentine Lament
- The Perfect Date?
- A visit to the zoo
- I wish things were different
- When I was a girl
- A cat we called muff